One of the biggest things I'll get really anxious about, is meeting people I haven't met for a while. It's because I've gained weight. I'm afraid that they will notice. They won't say anything but they will notice it. I have a lot of skinny friends and friends who are having an eating disorder. Every time I'll meet them I'm afraid that I am exactly the thing they are so afraid of. Fat. I am also afraid to say these things aloud, because some people weight more than I do. I have no right to say anything, because I'm always skinnier than someone else. I actually don't feel myself so fat when I'm naked. Yes I can feel my tummy and see that my arms are thicker than before, but I feel more normal. When I'm wearing lolita I feel out of place, much fatter and bigger.
It is bs to say that there is no beauty standards for lolitas. There is. People are idolized for their slender feet, arms and small waist. The clothes fit better if you are skinnier. They are meant to be worn skinnier people than I am. When I'm trying on something from my closet and notice, that it doesn't fit me as well it used to, I can just hear the phrase " Just because it zips doesn't mean it fits." I feel that I don't deserve these clothes.
I go back to my closet. Browse the dresses and decide to pick a black one. It is going to be hot and I am going to look sweaty and disgusting, but I have to wear it. I can't go to the meet up if I'm not wearing lolita. I hate the dresses and I hate the way I look in them. But I'll have to keep wearing them, because one day I'll look at myself and feel once again beautiful. But this is not that day.
Thank you for saying this aloud. I really felt like I was the only one with these thoughts.
ReplyDeletePs. You are gorgeous.
Thank you. Actually I feel better about myself already. The brand dresses intimidate me the most atm. So I decided to wear offbrand dress today. I decided to write this, even though there is a chance it offends someone. I've been feeling like this for a long time and I felt that it needed to be said.
DeleteI know exactly how you feel and it is not easy to not let those thoughts consume you *sighs* But there will be better days ^^ And you do look gorgeous in Lolita ^.^
ReplyDeleteThank you. I felt like this needed to be said, because as a person who is not obese but a little bit of overweight, I don't have the right to say anything. I don't have an eating disorder so I'm not sick. I am healthy enough for normal standards, but in lolita I'm plus sized. And I don't want to be.
DeleteI know that kind of feelings, sometimes I don't even go to a tea party or something because of that (and well, the fact I don't have enough clothes). But then I remember that is not the only thing! I mean, I look at myself and say "it's so sad and depressing to stay in home just because I gain some weight. Knock it off!" I know it's hard dear, I know that you're feeling fat, but you're not. We can be so hard on ourselves, but really, you're beautiful, people who care about you can tell :) and someday you will <3
ReplyDeleteThank you dear <3! We all have our weak moments. I think it's okay to accept these feelings so you can actually move on.
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