Friday, 1 August 2014

The dark side of lolita

It's an eve of a meet up. I'm going to go to Helsinki and there's going to be a lot of people, I haven't seen in a while. I'll get really anxious. I feel fat and ugly and boring. It's going to be hot and I'm going to feel really uncomfortable, I know it in advance. I already bought the bus tickets, I can't afford to cancel the trip.

One of the biggest things I'll get really anxious about, is meeting people I haven't met for a while. It's because I've gained weight. I'm afraid that they will notice. They won't say anything but they will notice it. I have a lot of skinny friends and friends who are having an eating disorder. Every time I'll meet them I'm afraid that I am exactly the thing they are so afraid of. Fat. I am also afraid to say these things aloud, because some people weight more than I do. I have no right to say anything, because I'm always skinnier than someone else. I actually don't feel myself so fat when I'm naked. Yes I can feel my tummy and see that my arms are thicker than before, but I feel more normal. When I'm wearing lolita I feel out of place, much fatter and bigger.

It is bs to say that there is no beauty standards for lolitas. There is. People are idolized for their slender feet, arms and small waist. The clothes fit better if you are skinnier. They are meant to be worn skinnier people than I am. When I'm trying on something from my closet and notice, that it doesn't fit me as well it used to, I can just hear the phrase " Just because it zips doesn't mean it fits." I feel that I don't deserve these clothes.

I go back to my closet. Browse the dresses and decide to pick a black one. It is going to be hot and I am going to look sweaty and disgusting, but I have to wear it. I can't go to the meet up if I'm not wearing lolita. I hate the dresses and I hate the way I look in them. But I'll have to keep wearing them, because one day I'll look at myself and feel once again beautiful. But this is not that day.